do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
