she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
