I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
