Where did you get a picture of my penis
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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