We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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