Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
