I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
