Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
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I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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