you would pick up someone in the library
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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