They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
