Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
