I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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