tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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