Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
