Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
