I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
