U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize