There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
