mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
