you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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