Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
