I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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