just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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