My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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