Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize