Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
