new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
