ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
