last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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