Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
