So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
