Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
