I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
