Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
