Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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