It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
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It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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