I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
