i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
