My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
