Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
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I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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