lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
