Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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