i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
