The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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