I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
