I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
