Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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