Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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