He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
