Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize