dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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