I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
