The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
