We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
